When ambivalence is welcomed, normalised, and embraced, a deeper self-understanding is achieved and, as a result, we make better decisions about complex life issues, without feeling overwhelmed, says Mihaela Berciu
You probably haven’t thought a lot, if at all, about how much of an impact ambiguity has on your daily decision-making and how embracing ambivalence could open a whole new spectrum in your interaction with others, in your daily life and beyond.
Ambivalence is accepting that having both positive and negative feelings towards a person and/or a situation is natural. Knowing, and having the ability to make that distinction, what we like and dislike about someone else, what makes us comfortable or uncomfortable about a situation, is a sign of high self-knowledge, of having had set clear and healthy boundaries for ourselves and of our commitment to respecting them.
Ambivalence is not only healthy, but also a clear indication of the level of our self-worth and the barometer of our level of self-confidence.
Mixed feelings
Most people see ambivalence as a bad thing because they allow it to confuse them, or they most probably confuse it for ambiguity. I’m certain you’ve been in many situations where you became irritated, felt helpless or, even worse, dreaded deciding because you were experiencing mixed feelings.
When experiencing mixed feelings, we tend to perceive it as a negative situation we are in, when, it’s a chance to set things right and clarify what later could end up working to our disadvantage. Furthermore, because of the mixed feelings, we feel under even more pressure to ensure we make the right decision. In most cases that means either focusing on the positives or hoping that nothing bad will happen down the line, but if it does, you’ll deal with it when it happens. Or you give in to fear and decide to pass on whatever was happening.
All decisions made from fear will eventually work against us. Ambivalence turns making decisions based on either/or into both/and. Ambivalence is the key to making the right decisions.
Awareness
Ambivalence works hand in hand with awareness. Or better said, the higher the level of awareness, the easier to embrace ambivalence and make it work to your benefit. Awareness helps observe the mixed feelings you experience and becomes your guide in isolating the positive feelings from the negative ones. It then takes you one step further and supports you in treating those feelings independent of each other. Positive feelings can be set aside, as they are proof that you are in alignment with that person and/or situation, leaving you clear minded to focus on the negative ones and to explore what triggers them.
You’re probably thinking that you should be focusing on the positive, not the negative and I agree to that, but with a twist. But that’s because there are different ways of dealing with negative emotions: wallowing in them feeling like a victim, ignoring them hoping they’ll go away or facing them to understand their root so that you can work on removing the trigger and transforming them into neutral, if not into positive ones. That’s the brilliance of awareness! It takes you from life happening to you, to you making life happen. And that’s why it is such a great partner to ambivalence.
Split off emotions
Intolerance of ambivalence kills relationships. It ruins them through a process known as splitting. To an extent, we are all guilty of splitting, as it occurs when feelings of disappointment are repressed (split off) since it’s polite, an act of good behaviour, to only express appreciative feelings. In the case of negative feelings, the norm is to find a way to twist them so that they are also expressed in an appreciative way. Expressing yourself based on this ‘rule’ and without embracing ambivalence, is, often, perceived as passive-aggression. Negative feelings are felt and expressed in a much more intense manner, even when sugar coated. Remember that it’s not what you say, but how you say it, it’s not the choice of words, but rather the message between the lines that has the strongest impact!
Additionally, split off emotions are not self-resolving. They gradually accumulate until a relatively minor complaint triggers them and result in an out of proportion reaction. As they burst disruptively into awareness, our positive feelings disappear and we are propelled to the opposite emotional extreme, feeling completely alienated from those we entered in conflict with. Ambivalence is the answer to resolving such internal conflicts that will end up being externalised to your detriment. Ambivalence brings confidence and is the antidote to ambiguity.
Uncertainty leads to doubt
Ambiguity is defined by feelings of doubt, uncertainty and leads to interpretations that, in most cases, are very different from their intentions. Ambiguity leads to unfocused worry and confusion, paralysing from making choices and taking actions that would benefit the self. Ambiguity makes things seem different than they are and instils a sense of discomfort and danger that further alters the perception of that person and/or situation. This is not healthy.
Ambiguity also holds us in a pattern of victimhood. When unable to detach and see things clearly, we tend to place blame on other entities, whether that is people, ‘bad luck’ or everything in between. Ambiguity leads to defeatism, which, in turn, leads to allowing others to make decisions for you, decisions that will serve them first, of course. As a result, we only end up feeling even more wronged and so on and so forth. I’m sure you can see the pattern there.
Sadly, even when you do make decisions for yourself, ambiguity keeps you hostage in fear and continues to haunt you with endless numbers of ‘what ifs’. What if I misunderstood? What if I made the wrong decision? What if I should’ve asked more questions? What if I could’ve negotiated better? What if they think I’m stupid? What if I am stupid?
The levels of self-worth and self-confidence we hold for ourselves dictate how we react in stressful situations. The lower they are, the more triggered and exposed we feel, the more abrupt and intense our reactions. The higher they are, the calmer and in control we feel, because we don’t need external validation, so we don’t seek it, and, most of all, we don’t fear being judged, which means we are confident in our behaviour, regardless of the outcomes. Ambiguity feeds fears and eats away both self-worth and self-confidence.
Embracing ambivalence
When ambivalence is welcomed, normalised, and embraced, a deeper self-understanding is achieved and, as a result, we make better decisions about complex life issues, without feeling overwhelmed.
Ambivalence is the key to taking leadership of self, to being the driver of your decisions, to taking responsibility for yourself and unapologetically enjoy your life.
Ambivalence is a gift that keeps on giving and I’m going to mention just one more benefit that results from embracing it: authenticity. When you take the time to make yourself aware of who you are, your likes and dislikes, your dos and don’ts, you start behaving in a way that is true to you and supports you, your life, and your progress in and through life. You make yourself proud and give yourself validation from within, which makes you strong, makes you kind and makes you inspiring.
Defining your core values and their attributes is essential, the foundation of developing the skill to adopt and thrive on ambivalence, because your core values are your engine. In addition, it helps set the blueprint of your self-worth and prompts taking leadership of yourself to begin properly enjoying being you and the life you start living.
Mihaela Berciu creates fundamental and long-lasting change for C-Suite executives and business owners, using The Core Values Matrix TM blueprint, a unique method that she developed. As a leadership specialist, Mihaela works with board members, top-level executives and entrepreneurs. She focuses on exploring personal and professional values, understanding aspirations, removing barriers, and visualising the path to success.
Mihaela’s client portfolio ranges from prestigious national to large international businesses in a wide range of industries including banking, consulting, pharma, FMCG, retail, entertainment and aviation services.
In addition to her professional expertise and experience, Mihaela holds an executive coaching certification from Cambridge University; professional image consultant diploma from the London Image Institute Association of Image Consultants International; an MBA from the American University in London, and she studied psychology of mind and theory of knowledge at Oxford University.
