Are you difficult to work with? Warning signs and how to change

We may not know we are difficult to work with and, learning that we are, may come as a surprise. Salman Raza explains how we can develop a sense of self-awareness

Interacting with others, especially in a professional work environment, is going to come with conflict and misunderstanding. These elements may not be intentional, but rather a byproduct of interpersonal working relationships. Often, we may not be aware of our own limitations or contributions to negative work environments. In fact, we may not know we are difficult to work with and, learning that we are, may come as a surprise.

We cannot fix what we don’t know. Therefore, it is important to develop a keen sense of self-awareness. Are you someone who is difficult to work with? Let’s explore some warning signs.

Are you listening?

Imagine you are having a conversation with a colleague about an annual report. He or she is sharing their perspective. Suddenly you find yourself disengaging from the conversation. Your mind says something along the lines of “this is a stupid approach.” You don’t agree with your colleague, and you have judged their methods as inadequate. With this attitude in mind, you’re only half listening, and you are preparing your response.

Pause. Ask yourself, are you listening to respond; or are you listening to understand? What’s wrong with this scenario? You may be difficult to work with if you’re always plotting your response to a conversation instead of taking a moment to reflect on what is being said. When you do not give colleagues an honest chance to articulate their perspective, you are dismissing them. This leads to a lack of trust.

There is nothing wrong with responding to inquiry, but if you develop a response before thoughtfully processing the information at hand, you are not going to have productive and fruitful conversations in the workplace.

How do you feel?

Take stock of your feelings from time to time. Are you often annoyed, impatient, and frustrated? There may be exterior factors contributing to your emotions such as a toxic work environment, a boss who micromanages, or a colleague who isn’t pulling their weight. But in the absence of these factors, the emotional response you experience can enlighten your self-awareness. Get to the root of that emotion.

Feeling impatient during a meeting? Ask yourself why. Is it because you feel you already know the information being presented? Challenge yourself to leave the meeting having learnt something new. Is it because you have mountains of work to do, and the meeting feels like a waste of time? Take a moment to consider if there is actually something you can glean from it, and that might help you complete your work after the meeting has finished.

Recognising your emotions will not only increase your self-awareness, but also the awareness of others. By being empathetic, authentic, and even vulnerable, you can foster meaningful connections with your colleagues and become an easier person to work alongside.

Body language is critical

In addition to the dialogue that occurs in your mind during office interactions, what do you feel in your body? You probably ignored subtle signs of discomfort, triggered ego, anger, or impatience, and focused on responding to the conversation. When presented with information, do your shoulders tense? Is your brow furrowed? Are you absentmindedly clenching your fists? The entire body is engaged in a communication exchange. You may be difficult to work with if your body tenses frequently during inter-office interaction.

Along the same lines, if you tend to scowl (whether meaning to do so or not), you may appear unapproachable to your colleagues. However, there is always the possibility that you’re unaware of your facial expressions. You could think you are portraying intrigue and concentration, but your body language is perceived as hostile.

Watch your tone of voice

We’re often not aware of our tone of voice during conversations. A reason for this is because our voices sound very different to others than they do to us. You could think you are delivering news or feedback in an even and neutral tone, but you actually sound annoyed or angry. Sometimes you feel enthusiastic, but that enthusiasm may give the impression of arrogance or even aggression. On the contrary, you may believe you sound confident and assertive, but your voice actually sounds soft and uncertain.

Be mindful of your tone of voice as this can lead to misunderstandings.

Seek feedback in a productive manner

A surefire way to increase your own self-awareness is to ask for feedback from others. Try to choose someone who is likely to give you an unbiased answer. When we ask our friends for feedback, they may tell us what we want to hear for fear of hurting our feelings.

What does this feedback request look like? Well, for starters, ask a few questions. For example, you can ask at the end of the conversation, ‘Would you say I come off as aggressive, assertive, or big-headed?’ Sometimes, giving specific options are far more effective than an open-ended request of feedback. When you receive a genuine answer, you can take steps to recalibrate your communication approach.

Change doesn’t happen overnight

The bottom line is that you may not be able to change your feelings, but you can certainly learn to recognise them, and you can change your behaviours. However, this takes time and practice. It will not happen overnight. The key is to keep learning and finding new ways to practice your skills. Maybe when you return home from the office, you can work on listening and responding instead of reacting to conversations with your partner or family members. You can also practice having conversations using a mirror so you can become acquainted with your most frequent facial expressions and body language cues.

A final thought

You can do many things to ensure you are in complete control of your body language, emotions, tone of voice and your ability to respond instead of reacting. But there will always be instances where the reaction and perceptions of others are completely out of your control. We all draw upon our past experiences, our personality types, and our current mood and state of mind when interacting with others. Sometimes all we can do is work on ourselves and hope modeling that self-awareness will inspire our colleagues to do the same.