It is easy to feel consumed by frustration and fear in the face of uncertainty. Mike Jones introduces a simple method to contextualise fears and worries, see what is really in your control, be kinder to yourself and lessen the grip of perfectionism; all of which are critical to allow you to move forward from frustration positively
During these challenging times we are all faced with a choice as to how we show up. We can choose to operate in the ‘fear’ zone; in the early stages of the current situation this was probably best highlighted by rushing to the shops to buy toilet rolls that we didn’t need and often spreading negative thoughts like confetti.
We might opt for the ‘learning’ zone, where we become more aware of the impact that our words and actions are having on others. But the most positive, and uplifting place to be is in the ‘growth’ zone; making your talents available to those who need them, displaying empathy, appreciation and patience in equal measure. It is in this zone that you will be able to ask productive questions both to self and others that can help you to move forward from frustration most positively.
We’re often quick to ask questions of others but by asking questions to ourselves we can gain greater clarity, feel more in control and if we ask the right kind of questions, feel more upbeat and hopeful as to what the future might hold by breaking through negativity.
Let me throw a few questions your way for you to mull over. It is unlikely that you will have an immediate answer, so don’t let that discourage you. By reflecting on it you’ll quickly be on your way to turning frustration into fascination.
What fears do you need to confront or challenge?
I mentioned the ‘fear’ zone in my opening words so let’s start here.
Recently I was taken hostage by a frog…
When nearing the end of the first dog walk of the day, I approached my front door with key in hand I saw it on the doorstep, blocking my path to safety. If you are not scared of frogs you’d see this amphibian fuss about nothing and I don’t blame you, as I would probably do the same for your irrational fears.
This example helps to show how our brain blows fears out of proportion. When looking at the situation objectively, the frog, small enough to place on the palm of my hand, can do me no harm. When contextualising your fear and frustration what would you be saying? Or if someone else had that fear, what would you be saying to them? Have you magnified thing frustrating you out of fear?
Sometimes that may not work, so another route that takes things a bit more gradually is known as ‘exposure’. If you were scared of the dark as a child look back on how you made the transition from light on to light off. Chances are that the light went gradually darker rather than the flick of a switch one weekend with the amount of time you slept (or stayed awake) in the pitch black increasing over a period of time. Gradual exposure helps us make the change. What small steps could you take that would ‘expose’ you to your fears? If you are wanting to change careers this could be connecting with new people in this field or embarking on a training course. Small steps break down the fears.
What do you need to worry less about?
In addition to fear another negative topic that tends to occupy more of our thoughts than is healthy is worry. Fear and worry both feed into frustration. A common worry is that we will be late, with a main element of that is that we will oversleep. If this is something you can relate to, consider this: is that something you can control? I’d be alarmed if the answer was no. You have complete control over whether you invest in a sleep-reducing device and what time you would like it to spring into life. So, there isn’t really any need to worry about oversleeping. One down off your worry list and 226 to go? If that is the case, go through your list and see how many fit into the same category as the sleep scenario. Here you will be able to see there is much in your sphere of control and you will be able to identify things which are not, that you need to let go of.
For example, I used to worry that I would miss flights so I started leaving for the airport earlier. I used to worry that I would run out of the tablets that I need to take on a daily basis so I started collecting them from the pharmacist earlier in the month. Worry adds into fear and frustration – What could you do to help yourself worry less?
That inner voice of yours – friend or foe? Biggest advocate or biggest critic?
If it’s the latter of both of those pairings then you’re not alone. Self-limiting beliefs and self-deprecating assessments of your performance can feel like the grit in your oyster and this inner talk dramatically impacts how we interpret frustration.
Getting it to shut up isn’t so easy, but diluting it is. Like pouring white wine on the stain of its red counterpart, populating your mind with encouragement, acknowledgement and praise reduces the impact of the less desirable stuff. What are some positive affirmations you can tell yourself?; You can do it. You are good enough. You are worth it. You deserve it. Or how about this one: you are a good person. The only person that is always there in your world is you. A bit frustrating then if you don’t like that person. So be kind to yourself, make friends with the enemy within. You are much more primed to move forward from frustration positively if you recognise you are good enough and sometimes there are circumstances outside of your control.
Which leads me to the final question – What should you stop giving yourself a hard time over?
None of us perfect are we? From you perspective you might think that some people are well on their way. There are some who might think that they themselves come pretty close, but in reality neither you nor they score the perfect 10 in the gymnastics display of life. There’s nothing wrong with setting the bar high and setting goals that initially seem unattainable in the pursuit of being the best that you can be, but this is not going to be without bumps in the road and you cannot beat yourself up every time something doesn’t go quite to plan.
If you’re anything like me, the person that you are in most conversation with is yourself, that inner voice judging you for what you have and haven’t done or what you should or shouldn’t be doing. The one that proves that hindsight really is a wonderful thing. How much of your own inner voice is constructive, reassuring or galvanising and making a productive contribution to your decision-making?
So much that we give ourselves a hard time over is observed and experienced differently by those around us, and not just those that care for us. We may be hard on ourselves when really those around us thing we have done a good job. Right now, it is easy to give ourselves a hard time over the situation we find ourselves in but this will not be constructive and only adds to the frustration.
In the modern world, where communication is instant and harsh, there are more than enough opportunities in this world for other people to have a pop at us, so how about being a member of your own fan club instead of fight club. You really are a lot nicer and more talented than you might think you are.
It is easy to feel consumed by frustration and fear in the face of uncertainty. By asking yourself these questions you can begin to contextualise fears and worries, see what is really in your control, be kinder to yourself and lessen the grip of perfectionism; all critical to move forward from frustration positively.
Mike Jones is Managing Director of Momentum (People Development) Ltd and has nearly 30 years’ experience in the Learning and Development industry. Mike has delivered at conferences, facilitated workshops and is a highly sought after speaker. Mike is the author of Questions You Should Be Asking Yourself (Panoma Press) which poses 52 questions to help readers to arrive at the answers needed to move on to the next stage of their life with greater desire, determination and optimism for the future.
