Companies must build cultures where people can bring their whole selves to work. This means they can bring their diversity, uniqueness, preferences and strengths. It also means that they should be able to bring their emotions and not be judged or held back for doing so, advises Natalie Boudou
Many organisations are investing seriously in building inclusive cultures, but one area that is sometimes overlooked is the stereotyping that still exists at work around how women and men are expected to behave and the emotions that they are allowed to display.
Assumptions about women based on their emotional responses are present in every aspect of the workplace. Women will often find themselves pushed towards roles that require emotions associated with their gender – ones that require kindness, compassion and humility. They find themselves put in charge of health and wellness initiatives and community activities.
And yet, if they aspire to a leadership position they must show the necessary toughness, authority and be able to stand their ground. Hardly surprising then that women can feel like they are walking a tightrope. To add to the mix, any signs of anger or displeasure from women are unlikely to be received positively and they may be labelled as too aggressive in these circumstances.
Another myth that women must contend with is that they are too emotional or more emotional than men. Throughout history, women’s nervous dispositions have been highlighted and their emotions have been seen as a female weakness. In literature, the woman has been characterised as hysterical or unstable, while the man is viewed as more serious, stoic and respected.
This stereotype prevails today: in one study of more than 1,000 360-degree peer- reviewed feedback reports on female executives, their male colleagues made notes such as, “She was too hyped-up” or “Overly emotional”. Women executives commenting on the same incidents that provoked these dismissive reviews said their female colleagues were simply putting forward their opinions, albeit passionately. I have seen on many occasions how when a woman displays enthusiasm she may not be listened to and her credibility can be compromised.
For men the challenge is around having to show that they are strong and in control; research reveals it is more acceptable for men to show anger than for their female colleagues. Anger is seen as a sign of competence and status. Men struggle to show their sadness and the oft- quoted, “Big boys don’t cry” is a norm that persists in certain sectors, which traditionally value men as being stoic, working long hours without complaint.
Here, there is no place for sadness or showing that you cannot cope. These social norms are hurting men who should be taught that it is fine to express sadness – in fact, it is healthy to do so. Repressing strong emotions has a detrimental effect on mental health and there is no doubt that it leads to a disproportionately high suicide rate in men.
Leaders can play a huge role in redressing the balance. Paternity leave is now mandated by law. Men can often be penalised with regards to childcare and flexible working. They may be reluctant to ask for or take up paternity leave for fear of being seen as too weak or caring. They are worried it may affect their career prospects. Inclusive discussions that lay out expectations and give assurances make for a good starting point. Leaders should not simply communicate that parental leave is an option, but should actively encourage every father to take their full allocation. Increasing flexible working will benefit both women and men and help to assess performance based on delivery rather than on time spent in the office.
Leaders need to break down the stereotypes where men are tough and women are soft and show that they are no longer valid. They can start by making public acknowledgment that even if women do function differently, when women are passionate or emotional it doesn’t mean they are not leadership material. They simply display their emotions differently.
Leaders need to model the right behaviour and encourage open debate within teams to ensure that everyone is heard and understood. Providing a safe space for discussion where teams listen to each other, challenge and share their feelings will go a long way to building more inclusivity. Male leaders can also ensure that they role model emotional agility, ie that they show vulnerability when appropriate and signal that it is alright for everyone to talk about emotions.
Lastly, training and awareness-raising within teams and across organisations can also help to change perspectives. Unconscious bias training is a good place to start. Although this does not guarantee that attitudes will change, it should help employees to understand their biases and to work towards eliminating them. Teaching men and women to embrace their emotions and accept them fully will also go some way towards moving the needle.
Natalie Boudou is an executive coach, the CEO of international consultancy Human Force and author of HumanForce: The power of emotions in a changing workplace
