Individual silence is powerful, as is collective silence. Let’s incorporate more silence into our own noisy world which will make us better leaders, says Paul Hargreaves
How can a leader be silent, you may be thinking? I don’t mean all the time, of course, but I think we would do well to speak less and listen more in many cases, both to our inner voice and to the voices of others. Many of us are surrounded by noise for much of our lives. Even as I sit here writing in my house in the relative quiet of the countryside, I can hear the distant roar of traffic, birds singing and one of my neighbours using a power tool. Some find silence extremely threatening and can’t abide to live in quiet. The TV is turned on as soon as they enter the living room, they are constantly wired to music even when exercising and they go to sleep with the radio on.
Most religions in the world have discovered the power of silence and the benefits it can bring; and now some secular groups also organise silent retreats as an antidote to our over-noisy world. My mum went to a Quaker school and I remember her telling me that they had to eat their meals in silence and were not even allowed to ask for condiments such as salt and pepper. Others had to notice that you wanted them and offer them to you. Subconsciously, she carried this through to her adult life and would often sit waiting at the beginning of her meal, longing for the salt that her hungry children hadn’t passed to her. Communication can indeed happen in silence and perhaps that is a lesson we need to learn. Many of us will have experienced sitting in a room with someone we love, perfectly comfortable, not having to say anything yet experiencing a depth of communication and connection. Words are superfluous in that sort of situation and silence is only awkward when we don’t know others well.
The depth of knowing ourselves through silence
I remember being introduced to the ‘poustinia’ on a trip to the Northumbria Celtic Community. The word comes from the Russian for desert and in this case the ‘desert’ was a windowless dark shed containing one hard chair and one small desk with a candle burning on it. As part of my retreat I was to spend an hour in absolute silence in the poustinia, with only a candle for company. If you are not used to it, an hour of silence is a very long time, but it was a profound experience for me, at the time coming from a very activity-centred life with several small children. There is a depth of knowing ourselves through silence which allows us to connect with the world better. I build some silence into every day of my life now, even when I think I don’t have time to stop.
The musician John Cage staged a piece called 4’33” as part of a concert. When the time came for that part of the concert, the orchestra fell silent for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. Cage wanted the audience to hear the sound of silence around them, before listening to the rest of the concert with greater appreciation. The same is true for us in conversations and meetings. Even when others are speaking, many of us are not truly silent on the inside, as we work out what we are going to say next. Embracing silence in our personal lives will also help us to really listen to others when they are speaking. Those with whom you communicate will feel far more valued, as they will know you are truly listening; and when you next have something to say, your silence will be helpful as you will have truly listened to what has been said. In fact, those who speak less in meetings are considered wiser by the others in the room, which means that silence not only means that you will listen better, but you will also be listened to more intently when you speak. As Plato is reputed to have said: ‘Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.’
There is power too in collective silence; for example, the silence we use at a national level to remember those who have fallen in wars. These memorial silences used to be two minutes long, but now seem to have reduced to one minute, and are accompanied by clapping in some cases. It’s almost as if silence is too difficult for us in these days of minuscule attention spans. Let’s go back to longer silences, shall we? Maybe I should start a petition? I remember when on a spiritual walk in India, though there were thirteen of us, we sometimes spent an hour walking in ‘noble silence’ and there was a power to it that I hadn’t ever experienced before. With even larger groups, there is potentially more power.
One year on from the appalling fire in Grenfell Tower in London, which unnecessarily killed 72 people, there was a silent walk to remember the victims and to call for justice. Here are the words of Lisa Cumming who was on that walk:
I’ve gathered together in communities after tragic, violent events – riots, floods – before, but I’ve never experienced the strength, compassion and power of the multitude who came together one year on from the Grenfell Tower fire… Someone was playing piano. Some gentle hushing told us that it was time for the silent walk to start. Old, young, survivors and supporters had gathered in huge numbers. As we waited, a young man in a high-vis jacket asked people to hold the silence, just a couple of polite reminders was all it took. And the silence held… I’ve been learning lots about the collective power of silence since starting to work for Quakers. And the silence for Grenfell was held by the most incredible community supporting one another in grief, while searching for the three words that kept echoing in the signs people carried – love, truth, justice.
I usually post a two-minute video each week on social media talking about some aspect of good leadership, but recently as I upload the videos I feel slightly conflicted, as I am aware I am putting more words out into the world when there are probably too many there already. Maybe one week I should act like John Cage and post a two-minute video of me sitting in silence. Maybe it would have more impact? Individual silence is powerful, as is collective silence. Let’s incorporate more silence into our own noisy world which will make us better leaders.
Actions
Learn to live with silence as part of your life:
- Right now, set a stopwatch alarm for five minutes, and be silent. When your mind wanders, bring it back and focus on your breathing, which will help. Enjoy the silence.
- Today, find some other time to be in silence. If you come from a busy home to a busy work situation (or vice versa), it’s all the more necessary to find a place where you can be quiet. Make this a habit and try to do it daily.
- In meetings or conversations today, actively listen in silence for longer than you would normally. Learn not to be afraid of silence in conversations. Fewer words often equals wiser words.
Paul Hargreaves is a B-Corp Ambassador, speaker and author of The Fourth Bottom Line: Flourishing in the new era of compassionate leadership out on 6 May.
